I have idealized the event, and now nothing, regardless how grand can compare, so why try.  I fell into and idealized loves, now forever lost, but there is a haunting memory of how great the moment and sense of being was with someone who was special, perfect.   Now the persona is more of me than the original truth.  Failed relationships, marriages and sorrow, “no one understands me”. How can you, I am in love with myself.  I idealized the pain, poor choices, anger and hate making me paranoid and afraid.

It was the past, I made decisions and took chances that seemed right at the moment, and if given the chance again, without the hindsight I have now, the probabilities are high I would take the same paths. So why the remorse?

A friend, a personal hero lays dying, and I am helpless to save him. I let him down in his final moment.  Does that moment, this failure erase all the joys, laughter, shared pain and comfort leading up to that time – it can, if I let it or I can see it for what it is, a moment in a string of moments in a beautiful relationship with another human being.  I can take that final moment like every single moment before it and let it mold me, change me, teach me. If I stay in that final moment, if I don’t take the pain and learn, then and only then was that friendship, that life, for me, wasted.  But if I take that moment, let it burn in me, let it mold me and the next time, because there will be a next time, let it make me better so that I don’t make the same mistakes again, and again, and again then it was not wasted. In fact I can look at this special moment as a final gift from someone who truly and deeply cared for me and offered his last moments to help me grow.

Life is a series of moments, from learning to walk, learning to love, learning to die and in the end history will not care of all the things I didn’t do, all the places, loves, laughter, music, screen plays, novels, I never lived or done, only what I chose to do and did.  Now is the time, the moment to make the right choices, I can’t make choices for moments that have already come and gone.